And sometimes that can be a good thing.
Going into my final, I was hovering around the B range with my grades. Considering the horrible semester I had been having, I was happy with that and even somewhat looking forward to no longet having a 4.0 - I was looking forward to less pressure to put on myself and less expectation. And maybe people thinking of me as less of a fucking perfectionist, since a few times I have made the mistake of sharing my grades with others.
So I was pretty relaxed the day of the final. I had run the calculations that it would be pretty easy for me to end up with a B, even if I got a C on the exam, so I had studied what I was weak on and reinforced what I was strong on. I knew it was pretty near mathematically impossible for me to get an A.
Taking the exam, it felt really surprisingly easy. Like, the questions I had done to practice were much harder and more complex, and I was shocked it was that easy after the crazy tests they'd thrown at us this semester. I thought with more than one question, "They must be trying to give this one to us". In the back of my mind I was happy that I was going to get a B.
Fast forward to later in the day when they posted grades (this was their last day before break, and I guess the faculty REALLY just wanted to leave, because it only took them 6 or so hours to have grades posted - in prior semesters they took 3 days).
I GOT A 96 ON THAT FINAL, AND THUS ENDED UP WITH AN A IN THE CLASS.
After all that. I was really shocked, and for a while I thought it was a type-o. After that, I was actually sort of disappointed because I spent so much time telling myself that now that I was getting a B, I'd be under much less pressure to do perfectly on every assessment and ace every test. But now I am really excited, because I can still go to job interviews and tell them I have a 4.0 GPA. I still can talk about that. It's sort of unreal, in a way I feel like I don't deserve that, because I didn't keep up the effort as much this semester as I had previously, and my grades throughout the semester were really not that good. But I got it anyway! I am still conflicted as to how I should feel about this, obviously. I also feel guilty because I know there are people who didn't pass the semester. I don't know who they are yet, because of the people I have talked to, everyone passed - but some people are not registered for classes anymore next semester. When I find out I am sure I will be surprised about who those people were and feel really bad for them. I feel vaguely like I don't deserve to pass, but I have a harder time with getting As than I do with getting Bs and Cs, so I have issues. LOL.
So, another semester, another 4.0. I am still not used to it.
12.09.2008
I am actually done with psych clinical now
As of a few hours ago. I am not really sure what to think about all of it. It was probably one of the most horrible things I have done in quite a while. It has made me completely fucking hate school lately.
It's over but I am wondering how to get back how well I was doing before. I LOVED nursing school before this clinical, even with a scary instructor that could be very abrasive and condescending. I
hate it now, and I feel like I am just trying to get through it without flunking out. I am not close to the borderline at all, but I just feel like I have no more motivation left and don't give a crap anymore.
Hopefully that will fade, but right now I have no clue.
It's over but I am wondering how to get back how well I was doing before. I LOVED nursing school before this clinical, even with a scary instructor that could be very abrasive and condescending. I
hate it now, and I feel like I am just trying to get through it without flunking out. I am not close to the borderline at all, but I just feel like I have no more motivation left and don't give a crap anymore.
Hopefully that will fade, but right now I have no clue.
11.15.2008
So I survived the child unit.
It really wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, but I will say this, some parents are seriously, extremely fucked up. My instructor says that with the kids who keep coming back to the hospital, you eventually have to look at the family unit. I think she is spot on, and it's just really sad.
I got my first grade lower than a B on a test. I don't know how I feel about that. When I took the test I was rushed, not in a quiet area, and I didn't use my normal scrap paper system. I think that may be what my problem was. Anyway, I learned that I was studying the wrong kinds of things. We studied differently for the next test, which we took on Thursday. I will know the results sometime next week.
I got through a period around the end of October when it was time to either withdraw from the course, or keep going (last withdraw date). I was seriously freaking out. It was a week when my academic concerns were completely brushed off by the instructors I tried to contact, a week when they changed so many things about our test taking and academic experience and basically said they didn't think we should be concerned about it. It was a horrible week for last withdraw date to fall on. I decided not to withdraw. We'll see how that works out.
I met with my advisor. She insisted it was time to apply for graduation, which felt ridiculous. I mean, we're way far from that right? I guess we're only 6 months out. I don't know how that is going to work. I feel so unqualified and stupid a lot of the time.
I applied for my preceptorship. My first choice is a ped oncology unit in a research hospital nearby. It's probably one of the places I want to work when I graduate. My second choice was adult oncology in the same hospital, and my backup is oncology in a local hospital where they don't have a child unit. My desire is to go into peds hem/onc when I graduate so I would love to have a preceptorship there, but at the same time it would be very intimidating, because if I really screw something up, that is the place I was hoping to work. So really, whatever happens I will probably have mixed feelings about. My Assistant Dean told me that whether they accept preceptors at my first choice hospital really depends on the unit - that some do and some don't. So we'll see. The only thing we find out in the next couple of weeks is whether we got placed in the first rotation or second rotation. She said you don't know what hospital or unit you get placed in until at least December, maybe even January.
So I will keep on chugging, and maybe even still get an A. It's still within reach even with my 84 on one test.
I got my first grade lower than a B on a test. I don't know how I feel about that. When I took the test I was rushed, not in a quiet area, and I didn't use my normal scrap paper system. I think that may be what my problem was. Anyway, I learned that I was studying the wrong kinds of things. We studied differently for the next test, which we took on Thursday. I will know the results sometime next week.
I got through a period around the end of October when it was time to either withdraw from the course, or keep going (last withdraw date). I was seriously freaking out. It was a week when my academic concerns were completely brushed off by the instructors I tried to contact, a week when they changed so many things about our test taking and academic experience and basically said they didn't think we should be concerned about it. It was a horrible week for last withdraw date to fall on. I decided not to withdraw. We'll see how that works out.
I met with my advisor. She insisted it was time to apply for graduation, which felt ridiculous. I mean, we're way far from that right? I guess we're only 6 months out. I don't know how that is going to work. I feel so unqualified and stupid a lot of the time.
I applied for my preceptorship. My first choice is a ped oncology unit in a research hospital nearby. It's probably one of the places I want to work when I graduate. My second choice was adult oncology in the same hospital, and my backup is oncology in a local hospital where they don't have a child unit. My desire is to go into peds hem/onc when I graduate so I would love to have a preceptorship there, but at the same time it would be very intimidating, because if I really screw something up, that is the place I was hoping to work. So really, whatever happens I will probably have mixed feelings about. My Assistant Dean told me that whether they accept preceptors at my first choice hospital really depends on the unit - that some do and some don't. So we'll see. The only thing we find out in the next couple of weeks is whether we got placed in the first rotation or second rotation. She said you don't know what hospital or unit you get placed in until at least December, maybe even January.
So I will keep on chugging, and maybe even still get an A. It's still within reach even with my 84 on one test.
11.07.2008
Let me count the ways....
That I seriously hate psych clinical.
So I've been kind of avoiding writing about it because I've been really enjoying getting out of there each week, and I just have no desire to further think about it once I'm gone.
I think it's impacting my grades, my attitudes about school, and overall I have begun to question whether I want to actually finish nursing school. I've been on the adolescent unit, and so many peoples' parents are beyond fucked up, their mothers sleep with loser after loser who then abuse the kids, etc.
I have 7 days left - 3 1/2 weeks. Two of those days are in the child unit (a place even more fucked up and sad than the adult unit, I am anticipating), and then 4 1/2 days in the adult unit, where I am hoping to at least actively hate it less.
I got an 84 on my last test, after getting a 96 on my midterm. An 84 is hands down the worst grade I have gotten in nursing school. I just have no motivation left. Hell, at least it's passing, right?
So I've been kind of avoiding writing about it because I've been really enjoying getting out of there each week, and I just have no desire to further think about it once I'm gone.
I think it's impacting my grades, my attitudes about school, and overall I have begun to question whether I want to actually finish nursing school. I've been on the adolescent unit, and so many peoples' parents are beyond fucked up, their mothers sleep with loser after loser who then abuse the kids, etc.
I have 7 days left - 3 1/2 weeks. Two of those days are in the child unit (a place even more fucked up and sad than the adult unit, I am anticipating), and then 4 1/2 days in the adult unit, where I am hoping to at least actively hate it less.
I got an 84 on my last test, after getting a 96 on my midterm. An 84 is hands down the worst grade I have gotten in nursing school. I just have no motivation left. Hell, at least it's passing, right?
10.22.2008
Clinical
I have been assigned to the inpatient adolescent unit. All in all, not bad. For the most part I can already see that in many cases these kids are getting actual help and they are learning coping skills there. Part of my frustration is that I feel because of my experience so many cases of childhood psychiatric disorders are greatly influenced by the home environment - if it had been up to my mother I probably would have been placed in an institution indefinitely and permanently put on antipsychotic drugs. What would a place like this have done for me? I guess they'd medicate me and have sent me right back, because what else can they do if there is no outward easily diagnosable abuse or neglect? And so often the parent gives the "psychiatric history" in pediatric cases.
I don't honestly know what "should" happen in cases like this, as opposed to what currently happens. I recognize the system is set up for functioning families and that in healthy families where the parents are not trying to be martyred or trying to scapegoat the children there is nothing to fear from such an arrangement, and that the worst that can happen is that someone is medicated for a condition they may not have, and this is probably better than not medicating the people who ARE sick.
I just really dislike this clinical. It's been one day and I am already counting down. I suppose I have been lucky to have mostly had clinical rotations I like so far, but this one is going to be really hard for me. To top it off, I don't understand what I am supposed to be learning here. I don't understand the role of the nurse there.
I don't honestly know what "should" happen in cases like this, as opposed to what currently happens. I recognize the system is set up for functioning families and that in healthy families where the parents are not trying to be martyred or trying to scapegoat the children there is nothing to fear from such an arrangement, and that the worst that can happen is that someone is medicated for a condition they may not have, and this is probably better than not medicating the people who ARE sick.
I just really dislike this clinical. It's been one day and I am already counting down. I suppose I have been lucky to have mostly had clinical rotations I like so far, but this one is going to be really hard for me. To top it off, I don't understand what I am supposed to be learning here. I don't understand the role of the nurse there.
10.15.2008
Another one I worry about, now that I've had a few days away
This guy was in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism and was diagnosed with diabetes really recently, so he was having a lot of sudden health issues. He was one of the youngest people I've seen on the cardiac/telemetry unit so far, and his teenage daughter was in the room hanging out with him. She was quiet and shy and told me she wanted to be a nurse.
The guy was so sweet, told me that he couldn't even feel it when I injected his insulin (I didn't tell him it was the first time I had ever done a subcutaneous injection outside the sim lab, so it made me so confident). He helped me stick him again when the first time I did so, I didn't get any blood for the blood glucose reading. He was so good natured about it and had the best sense of humor. He was to be discharged during my clinical shift, so I think he was excited and ready to go.
I went to get his insulin and headed back to his room, and he was in there with the other nurse, practically writhing in chest pain. They think he may have thrown another pulmonary embolism. He was in such intense pain and it was really the first time I have had such a dramatic case of a patient's condition changing during my shift. I really hope I did all right in handling it and didn't look too stupid. I had to run and get the vitals machine and help hook him up to his monitors again while my instructor went and got some tubing and a couple of other things and the other nurse gave him pain meds within seconds of all this happening. I feel like I must have looked shellshocked and stupid. His daughter looked so scared, she was the one who went to the nurses' station freaking out when he started having pain again.
Needless to say, they decided not to discharge him that night. They were going to do some scans and see what happened.
I hope he is home feeling a thousand times better by now, but I will probably never know.
I also wanted the chance to tell his daughter that she did the right thing and that she was taking good care of him, but by the time I got back there while it was on my mind, she was gone for the evening. I hope that she knows that and isn't too scared of all the stuff that was happening to her dad.
The guy was so sweet, told me that he couldn't even feel it when I injected his insulin (I didn't tell him it was the first time I had ever done a subcutaneous injection outside the sim lab, so it made me so confident). He helped me stick him again when the first time I did so, I didn't get any blood for the blood glucose reading. He was so good natured about it and had the best sense of humor. He was to be discharged during my clinical shift, so I think he was excited and ready to go.
I went to get his insulin and headed back to his room, and he was in there with the other nurse, practically writhing in chest pain. They think he may have thrown another pulmonary embolism. He was in such intense pain and it was really the first time I have had such a dramatic case of a patient's condition changing during my shift. I really hope I did all right in handling it and didn't look too stupid. I had to run and get the vitals machine and help hook him up to his monitors again while my instructor went and got some tubing and a couple of other things and the other nurse gave him pain meds within seconds of all this happening. I feel like I must have looked shellshocked and stupid. His daughter looked so scared, she was the one who went to the nurses' station freaking out when he started having pain again.
Needless to say, they decided not to discharge him that night. They were going to do some scans and see what happened.
I hope he is home feeling a thousand times better by now, but I will probably never know.
I also wanted the chance to tell his daughter that she did the right thing and that she was taking good care of him, but by the time I got back there while it was on my mind, she was gone for the evening. I hope that she knows that and isn't too scared of all the stuff that was happening to her dad.
10.09.2008
Busy couple of days
So tuesday I had 4 patients, and was way too busy to have any sort of emotional reaction to any of the patients I had. I was glad to be busy, I still had not had four patients in this clinical and I was kind of frustrated about that. So I did good with it.
Yesterday I only had 3 but we had a lot to do like our evaluation with the teacher and such, which went well.
So I am done with this clinical rotation. I am so freaked about starting the psych clinical though. I don't know what I am going to do, because a lot of the patients there are kids and I am going to want to adopt them all or something.
Yesterday I only had 3 but we had a lot to do like our evaluation with the teacher and such, which went well.
So I am done with this clinical rotation. I am so freaked about starting the psych clinical though. I don't know what I am going to do, because a lot of the patients there are kids and I am going to want to adopt them all or something.
10.03.2008
Clinical this week
I was told by two of my patients that they were glad I was going into nursing and that I am really good at it. I have never gotten such a compliment and I felt like I was on top of the world for the rest of that shift.
One of the patients I had is in his 80s and really anxious to get back to work so he could pay his rent. I hope he got to go home like he was supposed to in the next day or two.
There was a patient who wasn't mine that I keep thinking about. He was in his bed and couldn't talk understandably. I took his vital signs to do someone else a favor and he kept gesturing with his hands and talking in words I could not understand. He seemed to really urgently want to tell me something. I finally realized he was rubbing his face and saying "shave". He did have hair growth on his face. One of the techs was in with me and she told him he couldn't get shaved until the morning. She was being really firm and kind of assholish with him. When we left the room I told her I would have shaved him but I didn't know how. She said that he was being combative with someone and had hit a nurse the night before.
It was the end of my shift so I just went home. Now I can't stop thinking about that poor guy who just wanted a shave and couldn't even communicate. One of my worst fears is to be trying so hard to talk to someone and not have them listen. I feel like a failure for not understanding what he was saying to us. He seemed so desperate for someone to hear him. I wish I was a better person and had decided to shave him myself, or told the assistant that she should just do it herself.
I think I need to find a therapist, because I was actually crying about this in the car yesterday.
One of the patients I had is in his 80s and really anxious to get back to work so he could pay his rent. I hope he got to go home like he was supposed to in the next day or two.
There was a patient who wasn't mine that I keep thinking about. He was in his bed and couldn't talk understandably. I took his vital signs to do someone else a favor and he kept gesturing with his hands and talking in words I could not understand. He seemed to really urgently want to tell me something. I finally realized he was rubbing his face and saying "shave". He did have hair growth on his face. One of the techs was in with me and she told him he couldn't get shaved until the morning. She was being really firm and kind of assholish with him. When we left the room I told her I would have shaved him but I didn't know how. She said that he was being combative with someone and had hit a nurse the night before.
It was the end of my shift so I just went home. Now I can't stop thinking about that poor guy who just wanted a shave and couldn't even communicate. One of my worst fears is to be trying so hard to talk to someone and not have them listen. I feel like a failure for not understanding what he was saying to us. He seemed so desperate for someone to hear him. I wish I was a better person and had decided to shave him myself, or told the assistant that she should just do it herself.
I think I need to find a therapist, because I was actually crying about this in the car yesterday.
10.02.2008
This week
Tuesday, September 23 I had an 18 page care plan due at clinical. She gave them back with corrections and wanted it returned on Tuesday, September 30.
Thursday, September 25 I had to go take a test on campus for nursing management.
Sunday, September 28 I had a 5 page paper due for nursing management.
Wednesday, October 1, I had to go to lab to test out on tracheostomy care, tracheostomy suctioning, and chest tube care. Before going to do this, I had to go to the computer lab and complete 2 3-hour (approximately) modules. I had to make sure to get to the lab to practice the tracheostomy care and chest tube care, so that I wouldn't fail and need to do it over again.
Thursday, October 2, I had a test on 3 weeks of material for psych nursing.
The care plan was accepted with minimal revisions required. It took maybe half an hour to complete the things she suggested.
I took the nursing management test and got an 80. I was OK with that, even though it's the lowest grade I have gotten so far in nursing school, because I've been doing what I can this week and am not going to beat myself up.
The 5 page paper - I turned it in at 11:59 (it was due at midnight). I still have not gotten my grade for that.
I passed lab skills testing.
I just finished the psych nursing test a few minutes ago. I got a 92. And seriously, the only studying I did for this was some time after clinical in the hospital cafeteria going over sample questions from an NCLEX book. I have spent less than 2 hours studying for this.
I feel like I just escaped from a burning building. I am disheveled, sleep deprived, have bloodshot eyes, and when someone asks me how I am I want to burst into tears. But I somehow survived. It's really been making me think about how much I really want to do this nursing thing, that is for sure.
Oh, and in the middle of all this I had a major project release at work, which (someone someplace decided) required daily conference calls. I don't even get paid to work every day. I was calling in from the car on my way to lab some days. It was ridiculous. I was getting emails first thing in the morning asking if things had been fixed overnight. It was really enough to make me do a double take.
I got an employee review this week and was told I am doing well. I am not even sure how that worked out, sort of like I am not sure how any of this worked out, including my test grade.
Thursday, September 25 I had to go take a test on campus for nursing management.
Sunday, September 28 I had a 5 page paper due for nursing management.
Wednesday, October 1, I had to go to lab to test out on tracheostomy care, tracheostomy suctioning, and chest tube care. Before going to do this, I had to go to the computer lab and complete 2 3-hour (approximately) modules. I had to make sure to get to the lab to practice the tracheostomy care and chest tube care, so that I wouldn't fail and need to do it over again.
Thursday, October 2, I had a test on 3 weeks of material for psych nursing.
The care plan was accepted with minimal revisions required. It took maybe half an hour to complete the things she suggested.
I took the nursing management test and got an 80. I was OK with that, even though it's the lowest grade I have gotten so far in nursing school, because I've been doing what I can this week and am not going to beat myself up.
The 5 page paper - I turned it in at 11:59 (it was due at midnight). I still have not gotten my grade for that.
I passed lab skills testing.
I just finished the psych nursing test a few minutes ago. I got a 92. And seriously, the only studying I did for this was some time after clinical in the hospital cafeteria going over sample questions from an NCLEX book. I have spent less than 2 hours studying for this.
I feel like I just escaped from a burning building. I am disheveled, sleep deprived, have bloodshot eyes, and when someone asks me how I am I want to burst into tears. But I somehow survived. It's really been making me think about how much I really want to do this nursing thing, that is for sure.
Oh, and in the middle of all this I had a major project release at work, which (someone someplace decided) required daily conference calls. I don't even get paid to work every day. I was calling in from the car on my way to lab some days. It was ridiculous. I was getting emails first thing in the morning asking if things had been fixed overnight. It was really enough to make me do a double take.
I got an employee review this week and was told I am doing well. I am not even sure how that worked out, sort of like I am not sure how any of this worked out, including my test grade.
9.27.2008
I am really becoming one of THOSE people...
This is why I started this blog.
When I talk to people about nursing school, I get varied reactions. At first I think people were really interested about how it would work, and asked a lot of questions. Then it became where some people would ask questions and others stopped.
Now, I have reached a point where I think people are afraid to ask how I am doing because it's like trying to take a drink out of a firehose. I get this vibe from the looks on peoples' faces like, "Boring conversation alert, BEEP BEEP BEEP". By the time I realize this I think people have already been ignoring me for a while.
I am like one of those new parents who can ONLY talk about their child and all their childless friends are avoiding them.
I am sorry. : ( I do at least know this. I just don't know what to do about it except just finish the fucking thing as soon as I can, so I can get a life and have something else to talk about.
When I talk to people about nursing school, I get varied reactions. At first I think people were really interested about how it would work, and asked a lot of questions. Then it became where some people would ask questions and others stopped.
Now, I have reached a point where I think people are afraid to ask how I am doing because it's like trying to take a drink out of a firehose. I get this vibe from the looks on peoples' faces like, "Boring conversation alert, BEEP BEEP BEEP". By the time I realize this I think people have already been ignoring me for a while.
I am like one of those new parents who can ONLY talk about their child and all their childless friends are avoiding them.
I am sorry. : ( I do at least know this. I just don't know what to do about it except just finish the fucking thing as soon as I can, so I can get a life and have something else to talk about.
9.25.2008
Meds, meds, and more meds!
I had an awesome day at clinical yesterday. I was assigned 3 patients and I did all their meds, including insulin and one other subcutaneous injection. That makes 5 people I have injected with things, and they've all gone smoothly. Injections are one of the things that has freaked me out the most about nursing school.
Oddly enough, it doesn't freak me out to do accuchecks and sticking fingers and so forth. Hopefully I will get less freaked about it as time goes by. Right now I feel great about it, and by the end of the night my instructor wasn't even going in patient rooms anymore for me to give the meds, which totally surprised me.
I now have to figure out whether to ask her to recommend me for a preceptorship. I get the vibe that she thinks I am doing well, but I really don't know if I want to base the decision on a vibe. I will probably wait and see what kind of evaluation she writes for me, and I'll ask her then.
I only have 2 weeks left at this clinical, and I have very mixed feelings about that right now. The instructor is scary and yells a lot and can be condescending. But I have learned more in this clinical than I ever thought possible, and I feel like I have improved so much in the last 5 weeks it's like night and day. I also like the unit I am on, which I thought would be boring. I see something completely new every day and I love that. I don't want to do the rotation at the psych hospital. It just has no appeal for me. I have a sense of personal outrage at how I see people talk about and treat mentally ill patients. It infuriates me. Even medical and nursing professionals. I hate the system and feel like it's not really set up to help people get better, as much as set up to profit pharmaceutical companies, as the cures are often so much worse than the mental illness being treated.
Oddly enough, it doesn't freak me out to do accuchecks and sticking fingers and so forth. Hopefully I will get less freaked about it as time goes by. Right now I feel great about it, and by the end of the night my instructor wasn't even going in patient rooms anymore for me to give the meds, which totally surprised me.
I now have to figure out whether to ask her to recommend me for a preceptorship. I get the vibe that she thinks I am doing well, but I really don't know if I want to base the decision on a vibe. I will probably wait and see what kind of evaluation she writes for me, and I'll ask her then.
I only have 2 weeks left at this clinical, and I have very mixed feelings about that right now. The instructor is scary and yells a lot and can be condescending. But I have learned more in this clinical than I ever thought possible, and I feel like I have improved so much in the last 5 weeks it's like night and day. I also like the unit I am on, which I thought would be boring. I see something completely new every day and I love that. I don't want to do the rotation at the psych hospital. It just has no appeal for me. I have a sense of personal outrage at how I see people talk about and treat mentally ill patients. It infuriates me. Even medical and nursing professionals. I hate the system and feel like it's not really set up to help people get better, as much as set up to profit pharmaceutical companies, as the cures are often so much worse than the mental illness being treated.
She was gone
So, I don't know what happened to her. I hope she left the hospital and went to her granddaughter's wedding. I miss that lady, she was great to talk to and really loved the company, didn't mind that I was a student and fumbling around her, yadda yadda yadda.
I think she reminded me of my own grandma, kind of. I don't know what her prognosis is, but I hope she is feeling better.
I think she reminded me of my own grandma, kind of. I don't know what her prognosis is, but I hope she is feeling better.
9.18.2008
I just need to write this down, because I don't want to forget her.
I am not really sure how to start this post. I feel a need to write this down, even though it is probably not going to be logical or in correct order or anything.
I took care of an amazing lady this week, she was there both days and I was assigned to care for her both days. The first day I was doing her meds, and she was being prepped to get a bronchoscopy the next day. She had a really interesting medical history - previous breast cancer with mastectomy, hypertension and atrial fibrillations. The second day she was fresh from her bronchoscopy, which they decided to do because of a chest/abdomen/pelvic ct they had done. They had taken some biopsies of the tissue in her lungs and bronchi, and taken some blood tinged fluid from her pleural cavity. That second day, her breath sounds terrified me. It sounded absolutely wrong for someone to sound like that when they breathed. It sounded so painful, but she said she wasn't in pain.
She was so nice, and seemed really happy for the company on the second day because she didn't have a visitor. I asked her the gazillion questions I had to do for my care plan, and I learned a lot about her. She told me a story about how she used to go to church, but she felt like the people there were so judgemental and unchristian, so she quit going there, and has said that she just never felt at home in a church since then. She talked about how she was a pack rat and her family was fed up with her, and they refused to help her organize her stuff unless she would let them throw it away. She collects antiques and sells them at a (slight) profit and does a lot of organizing for the antique club organization. She still lives alone, and was talking about how she wants to see if a couple would move in her house in a shared arrangement so they could help her take care of the property and they could get reduced rent in a good neighborhood.
Her husband had died, and she was the same age he was when he died, but she said she just wasn't going to waste any time worrying because there wouldn't be anything she could do about this medical stuff anyway. She was so patient while I was doing her meds, even though my instructor had to help me through the IV flush process because I hadn't done it before.
This second day, she was getting more febrile as it was getting to be time for me to leave. They gave her medication for it, but it was still going strong 2 hours later. I really hope she is still OK, and I have been so worried about her all day. I worry about next week - if she is still there on Tuesday, that would mean she isn't improving. I hope she is doing better. I just wish I could know one way or the other, and I wanted her to be able to see her granddaughter get married.
(I came back to add more to this post.)
You know, I am also just really scared for her, and afraid of all the biopsies they took in her lungs. I have sort of a feeling of dread about all this, and I can hardly explain it, and it's making me so fucking sad.
I took care of an amazing lady this week, she was there both days and I was assigned to care for her both days. The first day I was doing her meds, and she was being prepped to get a bronchoscopy the next day. She had a really interesting medical history - previous breast cancer with mastectomy, hypertension and atrial fibrillations. The second day she was fresh from her bronchoscopy, which they decided to do because of a chest/abdomen/pelvic ct they had done. They had taken some biopsies of the tissue in her lungs and bronchi, and taken some blood tinged fluid from her pleural cavity. That second day, her breath sounds terrified me. It sounded absolutely wrong for someone to sound like that when they breathed. It sounded so painful, but she said she wasn't in pain.
She was so nice, and seemed really happy for the company on the second day because she didn't have a visitor. I asked her the gazillion questions I had to do for my care plan, and I learned a lot about her. She told me a story about how she used to go to church, but she felt like the people there were so judgemental and unchristian, so she quit going there, and has said that she just never felt at home in a church since then. She talked about how she was a pack rat and her family was fed up with her, and they refused to help her organize her stuff unless she would let them throw it away. She collects antiques and sells them at a (slight) profit and does a lot of organizing for the antique club organization. She still lives alone, and was talking about how she wants to see if a couple would move in her house in a shared arrangement so they could help her take care of the property and they could get reduced rent in a good neighborhood.
Her husband had died, and she was the same age he was when he died, but she said she just wasn't going to waste any time worrying because there wouldn't be anything she could do about this medical stuff anyway. She was so patient while I was doing her meds, even though my instructor had to help me through the IV flush process because I hadn't done it before.
This second day, she was getting more febrile as it was getting to be time for me to leave. They gave her medication for it, but it was still going strong 2 hours later. I really hope she is still OK, and I have been so worried about her all day. I worry about next week - if she is still there on Tuesday, that would mean she isn't improving. I hope she is doing better. I just wish I could know one way or the other, and I wanted her to be able to see her granddaughter get married.
(I came back to add more to this post.)
You know, I am also just really scared for her, and afraid of all the biopsies they took in her lungs. I have sort of a feeling of dread about all this, and I can hardly explain it, and it's making me so fucking sad.
9.16.2008
I am so nervous I am about to throw up.
So I have what's known throughout the program as "the scary clinical instructor". She's chewed my ass so far for using blue pen, for not double checking orders related to a saline lock before a patient got transferred (which resulted in me having to do research instead of putting papers in his chart, and I had to run to the other end of the hospital when I did get my paperwork completed).
Not too bad so far for 3 weeks in. But I've always been on the other end of the unit from her. So far I have just not had to deal with her a ton. I have been extremely lucky. Well, today, it's my day to pass meds to all my patients (3 in total), which means I will be on the side where she will be hovering over everything I do.
Say a prayer for me.
I also have to complete an 18 page care plan before next Tuesday. It is going to be fucking hard between giving meds today, which gives me just today/tomorrow to do the fucker.
Why, oh why, did I not have it printed out and ready to complete the first or second fucking week when we only had TWO patients?
Not too bad so far for 3 weeks in. But I've always been on the other end of the unit from her. So far I have just not had to deal with her a ton. I have been extremely lucky. Well, today, it's my day to pass meds to all my patients (3 in total), which means I will be on the side where she will be hovering over everything I do.
Say a prayer for me.
I also have to complete an 18 page care plan before next Tuesday. It is going to be fucking hard between giving meds today, which gives me just today/tomorrow to do the fucker.
Why, oh why, did I not have it printed out and ready to complete the first or second fucking week when we only had TWO patients?
9.12.2008
The morning everyone thought I was a drug seeker
So, my husband was out of town Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday night was clinical and Thursday morning was our first Psych exam.
Wednesday night I was completing homework at the last minute, and I heard some rustling. It sounded like someone was in our laundry room and that freaked me out. I threw a book near the door to that room so whoever it was would get scared thinking "Hey, someone's here!" and book it. Well, it was quiet for a while and then it started again. Rinse, lather, repeat. As I was finishing up my homework, I saw a fucking RAT come out from under the laundry room door and come towards the room I was in.
Here's where it gets weird, because I am not sure why I reacted like this. I was SO ANGRY that some motherfucking rat would invade my house I RAN AT IT and yelled "You motherfucker!". It turned around quick and went back underneath the door to the laundry room, but if it hadn't I wonder what sort of disease process I would be coming down with right now.
So we have rats, and we found this out while my husband was on a business trip. The night before a big test.
So I woke up the next morning, and as I am getting my kids ready,I realize I have no ritalin left for my test. I am extremely, horribly, ADD. I have never actually taken any sort of assessment or test for school unmedicated. It would be my worst nightmare, as it's difficult enough with meds.
So I got the kids off to day care and got to the CVS early. I was waiting around for them to open the pharmacy, and when they did I gave them my oldest Ritalin prescription (I take Ritalin PRN/as needed, so I often have 3-4 prescriptions I haven't filled in my purse). She said it was expired so I flipped through my pile of scripts to find the newest one and gave it to her.
I didn't realize until later what a total drug seeking loser I must have looked like. She did ultimately fill the script and not ask me anything, so I assume something caused her to think I was legit. But I shudder to think what she must have been thinking.
I got a 94 on the first test, and a 95 on that assignment I was up late finishing, by the way, so it all worked out. But that was probably one of the worst 24 hour sequences of my life, what with rats, a test, a late homework assignment, and locking my house key in the house after I left. Luckily I did already have my computer, so I went to a coffee shop to take it (we take our tests online).
Wednesday night I was completing homework at the last minute, and I heard some rustling. It sounded like someone was in our laundry room and that freaked me out. I threw a book near the door to that room so whoever it was would get scared thinking "Hey, someone's here!" and book it. Well, it was quiet for a while and then it started again. Rinse, lather, repeat. As I was finishing up my homework, I saw a fucking RAT come out from under the laundry room door and come towards the room I was in.
Here's where it gets weird, because I am not sure why I reacted like this. I was SO ANGRY that some motherfucking rat would invade my house I RAN AT IT and yelled "You motherfucker!". It turned around quick and went back underneath the door to the laundry room, but if it hadn't I wonder what sort of disease process I would be coming down with right now.
So we have rats, and we found this out while my husband was on a business trip. The night before a big test.
So I woke up the next morning, and as I am getting my kids ready,I realize I have no ritalin left for my test. I am extremely, horribly, ADD. I have never actually taken any sort of assessment or test for school unmedicated. It would be my worst nightmare, as it's difficult enough with meds.
So I got the kids off to day care and got to the CVS early. I was waiting around for them to open the pharmacy, and when they did I gave them my oldest Ritalin prescription (I take Ritalin PRN/as needed, so I often have 3-4 prescriptions I haven't filled in my purse). She said it was expired so I flipped through my pile of scripts to find the newest one and gave it to her.
I didn't realize until later what a total drug seeking loser I must have looked like. She did ultimately fill the script and not ask me anything, so I assume something caused her to think I was legit. But I shudder to think what she must have been thinking.
I got a 94 on the first test, and a 95 on that assignment I was up late finishing, by the way, so it all worked out. But that was probably one of the worst 24 hour sequences of my life, what with rats, a test, a late homework assignment, and locking my house key in the house after I left. Luckily I did already have my computer, so I went to a coffee shop to take it (we take our tests online).
9.06.2008
For your amusement
Here are our disjointed reading assignments for the week.
pp 69-70
pp 244
pp 308-310
pp 334, 335
pp 386-421
pp 458, 476, 484, 486
pp 498-499
pp 545
pp 564-601
pp 782-843
Gone are the days of "Read chapter 6". Or even, "Read chapters 6, 7, 8, and 9". Such is nursing school.
pp 69-70
pp 244
pp 308-310
pp 334, 335
pp 386-421
pp 458, 476, 484, 486
pp 498-499
pp 545
pp 564-601
pp 782-843
Gone are the days of "Read chapter 6". Or even, "Read chapters 6, 7, 8, and 9". Such is nursing school.
I don't get it
Why would we be studying neurology so separate from psychiatric nursing? I think some of this stuff would make a great deal more sense to me in conjunction, or maybe sequentially.
This psych stuff is very vague. I mean, usually it's pretty easy to figure out what to study. Like for each condition I'll make a card for diagnosis/signs and symptoms, treatments, nursing considerations, pathophysiology, etc. There are tons of vague things that really don't easily fit on flash cards and aren't broken down that way in psychiatric nursing. Right now this semester is just really frustrating because of this.
Which is why I am avoidant and playing on the internet instead.
This psych stuff is very vague. I mean, usually it's pretty easy to figure out what to study. Like for each condition I'll make a card for diagnosis/signs and symptoms, treatments, nursing considerations, pathophysiology, etc. There are tons of vague things that really don't easily fit on flash cards and aren't broken down that way in psychiatric nursing. Right now this semester is just really frustrating because of this.
Which is why I am avoidant and playing on the internet instead.
9.05.2008
Sometimes I feel like a nurse...
One of my classmates was having trouble doing an assessment on an older gentleman because he was irate, and his respiratory crackles were so loud she claimed to not be able to auscultate an apical pulse.
I went in and he was complaining about not having a pen for his crosswords. I instantly whipped out a blue pen and said that if he took it off me he would be doing me a favor since my instructor has been so angry at me for using blue ink (which is true, unfortunately). He seemed amused at the idea they didn't want us to use blue ink. I slipped in and listened to his breath sounds on his back, then I slipped around to the front and found his apical pulse on the first try. I could see where she was having trouble, because his heart rate was so irregular that at first I wasn't sure I had it either, so I had to keep listening. But I had it!
There was a man who kept asking where the phone was, and it was right in front of him. I saw in the corner he had a glasses case, and I asked him if he wanted his glasses. He seemed so much more calm and able to answer questions when he had his glasses on.
I am just really happy with how this clinical is going so far. I'm nervous about getting 3 patients for the first time next week, but I was also really nervous with 2 patients and I have done fine with that, so I suspect I'll be all right.
I have no previous medical experience so being able to help someone find something like the apical pulse was really a first for me. This week was perhaps the first time I have ever felt like a nurse.
I had a patient who had oxygen via a nasal cannula, and she would take it off to eat dinner (we have evening shift). The first night I got a pulse-ox on her after she ate, and it was 92. 92 is not necessarily bad because you want it to be in the 90s on room air (without receiving oxygen). Anyway, the second day this week I had this patient again and she did the same thing. Her pulse-ox was 95 on room air the second day! She was really starting to improve, and that was the first time I have really ever seen/felt that as a nursing student. I really like that I chose a clinical that meets 2 days a week, because I suspect I will see a lot more of this this semester.
I went in and he was complaining about not having a pen for his crosswords. I instantly whipped out a blue pen and said that if he took it off me he would be doing me a favor since my instructor has been so angry at me for using blue ink (which is true, unfortunately). He seemed amused at the idea they didn't want us to use blue ink. I slipped in and listened to his breath sounds on his back, then I slipped around to the front and found his apical pulse on the first try. I could see where she was having trouble, because his heart rate was so irregular that at first I wasn't sure I had it either, so I had to keep listening. But I had it!
There was a man who kept asking where the phone was, and it was right in front of him. I saw in the corner he had a glasses case, and I asked him if he wanted his glasses. He seemed so much more calm and able to answer questions when he had his glasses on.
I am just really happy with how this clinical is going so far. I'm nervous about getting 3 patients for the first time next week, but I was also really nervous with 2 patients and I have done fine with that, so I suspect I'll be all right.
I have no previous medical experience so being able to help someone find something like the apical pulse was really a first for me. This week was perhaps the first time I have ever felt like a nurse.
I had a patient who had oxygen via a nasal cannula, and she would take it off to eat dinner (we have evening shift). The first night I got a pulse-ox on her after she ate, and it was 92. 92 is not necessarily bad because you want it to be in the 90s on room air (without receiving oxygen). Anyway, the second day this week I had this patient again and she did the same thing. Her pulse-ox was 95 on room air the second day! She was really starting to improve, and that was the first time I have really ever seen/felt that as a nursing student. I really like that I chose a clinical that meets 2 days a week, because I suspect I will see a lot more of this this semester.
I want to remember this
http://www.montgomeryadvertiser.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080808/NEWS02/808080310/1009/news02
This really touched me, especially since I plan to go into peds when I graduate.
>>
This really touched me, especially since I plan to go into peds when I graduate.
>>
Dent also had a rare gift -- giving shots to patients without hurting them.
"She'd tell children to hold your nose and look at your toes," Irvin Dent told the Times. "Before they got done doing that, she'd be finished with the shot. The next time they came in, they'd ask for the nurse that didn't hurt."
<<
I want to remember that and use it myself one day.
May she rest in peace.
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