Hot.

Cleaning up a patient with another nurse...

Me: You got poop under your fingernails! How did you do that?

Patient: I don't know.

Other nurse: What are you gonna do when all the pretty ladies come to see you, and you go to wave at them and you've got poop underneath your nails and on your hand?

Patient: Well, that's never stopped me before. And I could always use my other hand. See? I'm doing it right now.

What you don't want your patient to ask...

Patient: so, I have a problem.
Me: oh, what is it?
Patient: I can't go to the bathroom here. I, um, use my hand...
Me: use your hand?
Patient: yeah, I disimpact myself at home to go to the bathroom, I just can't do it while I'm in bed. The positioning's all wrong. So....
(you all know what comes next, right?)