Best your mom joke so far in a hospital setting

Nurse 1 (to resident, about a new patient that was just admitted): "... He also has some weird looking green penile discharge I need you to go look at."

Nurse 2: "so does your mom."

I couldn't tell at all.

So I walked in and my patient is spread eagle on the bed without anything covering her up.

I said, brightly, "Susan! How are you?" (while shutting the blinds to her room and getting the bed ready to get her re-situated).

Without batting an eye, she replied, "Crazy as ever".

Please don't do this to your nurse

(call light goes off, and no one immediately comes)

(patient's husband YELLS across the unit for the nurse, this naturally freaks people out, so four nurses run into the room)

Patient's husband, gesturing: "Have y'all seen all this ear wax she got up in there? Is that NORMAL?"

Google translator please...

Does anyone have a recording of someone saying the Hindi word for "fuck you AND your mama"? Because I'm pretty sure that's similar to what my patient yelled while he punched me in the face half an hour ago...

I got the iv anyway (first try, with no one helping me), I should just have a title on my badge that says "I win, always"...

Apparently I'm fit to teach others...

So they told me that I'm being assigned as someone's main preceptor, which means I get to show them how to be a nurse and how to do our job.

Is it wrong that my first reaction was, "I don't know if you guys know how inappropriate I really am...." ?

I'm actually a little bit terrified. Part of how I work is so not by the book, and I am totally not a policy and procedure bitch.

What if this person has no sense of humor? What if they do some dumb shit and people blame me?

There has to be someone more qualified, right?