Hot vag...

Nurse:  "I just checked again and you don't have a fever."
Patient: "But I feel like I do!  Can you check under my arm?"


Nurse takes patient's temperature under her arm.


Nurse:  "You're still not febrile."
Patient:  <Big sigh> "All right then, can you put that thermometer in my vagina then?  Because I bet I have a temperature there."

The Home Depot baby: a cautionary tale

A while back I was admitting a lady in preterm labor.  I noticed on her chart that we shared a birth month and year.  When I was asking her history it became apparent she had older kids, which is another thing she and I share.

Me:  "so how old is your first baby?"

Patient: "oh she's a worthless thing that's almost sixteen, thinks she owns the damn world." 

I laughed out loud and got the rest of her history.  

We have a section on our chart where we ask if the patient got pregnant as a result of fertility treatments.  When I asked her this she laughed out loud.  And she said:

"Honey, this is a Home Depot baby.  You know what that is?  It happens when you get divorced.  After a couple of years you start noticing the cute young boys at the Home Depot.  Some of them even offer to come over and help you fix things if you ask enough questions.  So you have this beautiful young man in your house... and you know what happens?  They don't even need more than a couple of minutes to get hard, and you don't even have time to think about wearing condoms.  So... Look what happens.  My old ass is having a Home Depot baby, and I'm in preterm labor because my old body isn't doing too good a job with it."

I told her I was in the middle of a divorce with older kids also.

She looked at me and said, "you'd better watch yourself, then!"

Look out, divorced ladies! Beware the Home Depot baby.

Quote of the day...

"I mean, I would be agitated, too, if my penis was that swollen!" - said by someone who doesn't have a penis

Public service announcement # 75426

I was going to say "this one is for the guys", but really it could apply to anyone.

If, hypothetically, you get some kind of brain issue in the future that requires hospitalization and a 24/7 police escort... Even if you think you're a hot commodity... No, the nurses, techs, and doctors DO NOT want some of that. I promise. Even if you're related to some celebrity I've never heard of and have a good singing voice. Even if you once had a wife that looks just like me. Nope, I still don't want some of that. And I can guarantee you they won't. Save yourself the hassle.

Aaaaaand it's not a Friday night until...

You walk in and your patient is trying to place his pulse oximeter on his penis. Then he looks up at me and says, "it's three in the morning. What's a girl your age doing out this late?"

Beats last Friday night's excitement...

Never say this unless you want all kinds of modern connotations attached to it

(call light goes off)

Secretary, over the intercom: "yes, mr. Lastname?"

Mr. Lastname: "I need my nurse to come in here and make me happy."

Best your mom joke so far in a hospital setting

Nurse 1 (to resident, about a new patient that was just admitted): "... He also has some weird looking green penile discharge I need you to go look at."

Nurse 2: "so does your mom."

Well, this is kind of awkward.

Two different times tonight, people came and got me to ask me to help them make sure their patient's condom catheters are on right and/or help them put a new one on. One of them, a new grad (bless her heart) said that someone told her I was really good with the condom catheters.

I guess if I'm going to become known for something around here...

This never gets old.

One of my favorite parts of my job is the phone. Not talking on the phone (which I actually loathe), but the phones in the hospital rooms.

Patients in an ICU, even the ones who are so-called "with it", don't often remember phone numbers well. It can be the pain meds, it can be just being tired from people waking you up for vital signs and neuro checks all the time (we do both hourly). But no one remembers phone numbers as good as they think when they're in the icu. This wouldn't be so funny if the patients weren't universally convinced they had it right every time.

Last night I heard the same woman have this same conversation with probably a dozen different people she called:

"Hey! It's Mary ... Listen, I'm getting out tomorrow, I need you to bring me my clothes ... What? No, I'm not in jail, I'm at the hospital ... Who? Wait, this isn't Ray? Damn it." (hangs up)

On the last call she said, "Wait, I do want to order a pizza, that sounds like a great idea..." they never did bring a pizza, though, poor lady.

Touché

Patient: what's your name?

Me: (tells her my name)

Patient (brightening): oh! You're the same white girl with the crazy hair that was here last week, too!

That's what I always think when I first wake up...

"man, when I woke up and my husband wasn't here in the room with me, I thought I was in a prostitution ring or something. That's why I was trying to get up out of the bed. I didn't want to get busted."

Oh honey, I can so relate...

While using my stethoscope to listen to the stomach of an 84 year old man...

"I'm not pregnant, am I? Please don't tell me I'm pregnant, it would really mess with my retirement planning and I don't know what I'd tell my wife."

Mommy Makeovers

Dear god, if I'm ever in the hospital I want to be like this lady.

Lady: why do I have to take a bath anyway?

Me: you want to look good for your family, right? And that big group of nice looking doctors are going to come see you in the morning.

Lady: (brightens) oh. Can you give me a boob job?

Me:  (trying not to explode in laughter) A boob job? Well, I don't know if we do that kind of thing here, even at night in the icu.

Lady: well, you surely see them here. What do you think? Do they look good?  I mean, I just want your opinion.

Me: yeah, I think they look great. But I don't know if I would get one.

Lady: You should really go to Utah. They call them mommy makeovers there. You can get a discount if you win some kind of competition. Because you need about twelve thousand dollars of work, honey.

Touche'...

Horrible interior design

Patient: "we're not in the hospital! The hell you say - we're in the basement".

Nurse: "does this look like your basement?"

Patient: "well, no, because you fuckin' redecorated it."

Damn. I have to work on this.

Me: "ma'am, you have to keep your gown on, you can't be showing all your goodies to everyone".

Patient: "well, YOU can't be showing all your goodies to everyone either!"

Twofer!

So last night I got punched in the face. Tonight, I got told by one of my patients that I was mean and he wanted to see my manager. He proceeded to tell the charge nurse that I am a NASTY BITCH (his words) and he needs a different nurse. A nasty bitch!

That's the best thing I've been called at work since... Maybe ever.

Wow, how did he find that out?

"Sir, are you allergic to anything?"
"Well, just herpes."

Ladies, don't fall for this.

(call light goes off)

"Excuse me, ma'am, I need someone to hold my penis while I use this urinal."

Ohhhh man.

My patient is completely with it. First things first. In our icu that means he knows his name and date of birth, and he knows where he is, and he knows what the month and year are right now. He can pee in his own urinal. I know this because when I came in he had a condom catheter (look it up) and it came off (as they tend to do) so he picked up his urinal and peed in it, no problem. He then proceeded to ask me to put another one on him. Wha? So is this extreme laziness or a not so subtle attempt to get me to have to put a condom like thing on him?

The things I do at work. Why on earth would you want something like that on you when you aren't incontinent?

Get your mind out of the gutter

True story, an order from my patient's chart: "start pleasure feeds diet".