So I survived the child unit.

It really wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, but I will say this, some parents are seriously, extremely fucked up. My instructor says that with the kids who keep coming back to the hospital, you eventually have to look at the family unit. I think she is spot on, and it's just really sad.

I got my first grade lower than a B on a test. I don't know how I feel about that. When I took the test I was rushed, not in a quiet area, and I didn't use my normal scrap paper system. I think that may be what my problem was. Anyway, I learned that I was studying the wrong kinds of things. We studied differently for the next test, which we took on Thursday. I will know the results sometime next week.

I got through a period around the end of October when it was time to either withdraw from the course, or keep going (last withdraw date). I was seriously freaking out. It was a week when my academic concerns were completely brushed off by the instructors I tried to contact, a week when they changed so many things about our test taking and academic experience and basically said they didn't think we should be concerned about it. It was a horrible week for last withdraw date to fall on. I decided not to withdraw. We'll see how that works out.

I met with my advisor. She insisted it was time to apply for graduation, which felt ridiculous. I mean, we're way far from that right? I guess we're only 6 months out. I don't know how that is going to work. I feel so unqualified and stupid a lot of the time.

I applied for my preceptorship. My first choice is a ped oncology unit in a research hospital nearby. It's probably one of the places I want to work when I graduate. My second choice was adult oncology in the same hospital, and my backup is oncology in a local hospital where they don't have a child unit. My desire is to go into peds hem/onc when I graduate so I would love to have a preceptorship there, but at the same time it would be very intimidating, because if I really screw something up, that is the place I was hoping to work. So really, whatever happens I will probably have mixed feelings about. My Assistant Dean told me that whether they accept preceptors at my first choice hospital really depends on the unit - that some do and some don't. So we'll see. The only thing we find out in the next couple of weeks is whether we got placed in the first rotation or second rotation. She said you don't know what hospital or unit you get placed in until at least December, maybe even January.

So I will keep on chugging, and maybe even still get an A. It's still within reach even with my 84 on one test.

Let me count the ways....

That I seriously hate psych clinical.

So I've been kind of avoiding writing about it because I've been really enjoying getting out of there each week, and I just have no desire to further think about it once I'm gone.

I think it's impacting my grades, my attitudes about school, and overall I have begun to question whether I want to actually finish nursing school. I've been on the adolescent unit, and so many peoples' parents are beyond fucked up, their mothers sleep with loser after loser who then abuse the kids, etc.

I have 7 days left - 3 1/2 weeks. Two of those days are in the child unit (a place even more fucked up and sad than the adult unit, I am anticipating), and then 4 1/2 days in the adult unit, where I am hoping to at least actively hate it less.

I got an 84 on my last test, after getting a 96 on my midterm. An 84 is hands down the worst grade I have gotten in nursing school. I just have no motivation left. Hell, at least it's passing, right?