Finally figured out who this guy sounds like

... And I want to post a video or something but that would be awful.

My patient sounds exactly like cookie monster. Exactly. Dead ringer.

How am I going to keep a straight face for the rest of the night?

Signs of last night

... A stack of masks outside my patient's room... Because he kept spitting on the bed, the floor, anything, you name it.

... A million dead IV flushes (in my other patient's room) and not one, but two transport monitors (when we take an icu patient somewhere like cat scan or MRI we have to use a portable monitor so we can see their vital signs during their trip. The two monitors means we went so many places I forgot I already had one in my room from before).

... Wrappers from new restraints littering both my rooms

... Me getting to my bed at ten in the morning

Man, this chick says "bitches" more than I do.

I love this. I've never had this much fun floating.

Wow, how did he find that out?

"Sir, are you allergic to anything?"
"Well, just herpes."

Just what you want to hear...

... From the er nurse who is sending you your patient:

"I really don't understand why they [the ambulance] took so long to get her, she is so awful if it were up to me I'd have driven her over there myself".

orientation

I'm precepting tonight. Wow. This is horrible. Time management fail. I haven't been this overwhelmed since I was a new grad - it's like it's contagious. Sigh.

Ladies, don't fall for this.

(call light goes off)

"Excuse me, ma'am, I need someone to hold my penis while I use this urinal."

Ohhhh man.

My patient is completely with it. First things first. In our icu that means he knows his name and date of birth, and he knows where he is, and he knows what the month and year are right now. He can pee in his own urinal. I know this because when I came in he had a condom catheter (look it up) and it came off (as they tend to do) so he picked up his urinal and peed in it, no problem. He then proceeded to ask me to put another one on him. Wha? So is this extreme laziness or a not so subtle attempt to get me to have to put a condom like thing on him?

The things I do at work. Why on earth would you want something like that on you when you aren't incontinent?