Never say this unless you want all kinds of modern connotations attached to it

(call light goes off)

Secretary, over the intercom: "yes, mr. Lastname?"

Mr. Lastname: "I need my nurse to come in here and make me happy."

That's some admirable restraint, if you ask me

While turning a male patient in bed...

Nurse: "come on, we have to turn that way and get you off these nasty sheets."

Patient: "No. I'll kill you motherfuckers."

Nurse: "ok, no one's killing anyone tonight."

Patient: "I will. Because I ain't killed a man in... Um... Four days."

Woot!

Getting report on a patient...

Me: "is she appropriate?"
Other nurse: "um, actually, NO. Not at all."

Best your mom joke so far in a hospital setting

Nurse 1 (to resident, about a new patient that was just admitted): "... He also has some weird looking green penile discharge I need you to go look at."

Nurse 2: "so does your mom."

I couldn't tell at all.

So I walked in and my patient is spread eagle on the bed without anything covering her up.

I said, brightly, "Susan! How are you?" (while shutting the blinds to her room and getting the bed ready to get her re-situated).

Without batting an eye, she replied, "Crazy as ever".

Please don't do this to your nurse

(call light goes off, and no one immediately comes)

(patient's husband YELLS across the unit for the nurse, this naturally freaks people out, so four nurses run into the room)

Patient's husband, gesturing: "Have y'all seen all this ear wax she got up in there? Is that NORMAL?"

Google translator please...

Does anyone have a recording of someone saying the Hindi word for "fuck you AND your mama"? Because I'm pretty sure that's similar to what my patient yelled while he punched me in the face half an hour ago...

I got the iv anyway (first try, with no one helping me), I should just have a title on my badge that says "I win, always"...