A for effort, A+ for execution

So a group of med students and residents walks into my patient's room. The lead guy asks how she is doing. She says she's doing horrible. Resident asks why.

Know what she says? No, SCREAMS?

"My ASS hurts! And it's all HER fault!"

She had the decency to point at me for that last part so they wouldn't think it was some poor hapless soul's fault, at the very least.

(And no, I didn't touch the woman's ass, before someone asks me).

Bucket list for my night, 12.17.12 edition

- had to fill out a police report after my colleague got punched by a fully "intact" patient
- cleaned up urine
- cleaned up blood
- cleaned up semen
- had one patient pull out their own catheter

And I still have four hours to go...

Quote of the day...

"I mean, I would be agitated, too, if my penis was that swollen!" - said by someone who doesn't have a penis

Public service announcement # 75426

I was going to say "this one is for the guys", but really it could apply to anyone.

If, hypothetically, you get some kind of brain issue in the future that requires hospitalization and a 24/7 police escort... Even if you think you're a hot commodity... No, the nurses, techs, and doctors DO NOT want some of that. I promise. Even if you're related to some celebrity I've never heard of and have a good singing voice. Even if you once had a wife that looks just like me. Nope, I still don't want some of that. And I can guarantee you they won't. Save yourself the hassle.

Aaaaaand it's not a Friday night until...

You walk in and your patient is trying to place his pulse oximeter on his penis. Then he looks up at me and says, "it's three in the morning. What's a girl your age doing out this late?"

Beats last Friday night's excitement...

Never say this unless you want all kinds of modern connotations attached to it

(call light goes off)

Secretary, over the intercom: "yes, mr. Lastname?"

Mr. Lastname: "I need my nurse to come in here and make me happy."

That's some admirable restraint, if you ask me

While turning a male patient in bed...

Nurse: "come on, we have to turn that way and get you off these nasty sheets."

Patient: "No. I'll kill you motherfuckers."

Nurse: "ok, no one's killing anyone tonight."

Patient: "I will. Because I ain't killed a man in... Um... Four days."