A for effort, A+ for execution

So a group of med students and residents walks into my patient's room. The lead guy asks how she is doing. She says she's doing horrible. Resident asks why.

Know what she says? No, SCREAMS?

"My ASS hurts! And it's all HER fault!"

She had the decency to point at me for that last part so they wouldn't think it was some poor hapless soul's fault, at the very least.

(And no, I didn't touch the woman's ass, before someone asks me).

Bucket list for my night, 12.17.12 edition

- had to fill out a police report after my colleague got punched by a fully "intact" patient
- cleaned up urine
- cleaned up blood
- cleaned up semen
- had one patient pull out their own catheter

And I still have four hours to go...

Quote of the day...

"I mean, I would be agitated, too, if my penis was that swollen!" - said by someone who doesn't have a penis

Public service announcement # 75426

I was going to say "this one is for the guys", but really it could apply to anyone.

If, hypothetically, you get some kind of brain issue in the future that requires hospitalization and a 24/7 police escort... Even if you think you're a hot commodity... No, the nurses, techs, and doctors DO NOT want some of that. I promise. Even if you're related to some celebrity I've never heard of and have a good singing voice. Even if you once had a wife that looks just like me. Nope, I still don't want some of that. And I can guarantee you they won't. Save yourself the hassle.

Aaaaaand it's not a Friday night until...

You walk in and your patient is trying to place his pulse oximeter on his penis. Then he looks up at me and says, "it's three in the morning. What's a girl your age doing out this late?"

Beats last Friday night's excitement...

Never say this unless you want all kinds of modern connotations attached to it

(call light goes off)

Secretary, over the intercom: "yes, mr. Lastname?"

Mr. Lastname: "I need my nurse to come in here and make me happy."

That's some admirable restraint, if you ask me

While turning a male patient in bed...

Nurse: "come on, we have to turn that way and get you off these nasty sheets."

Patient: "No. I'll kill you motherfuckers."

Nurse: "ok, no one's killing anyone tonight."

Patient: "I will. Because I ain't killed a man in... Um... Four days."

Woot!

Getting report on a patient...

Me: "is she appropriate?"
Other nurse: "um, actually, NO. Not at all."

Best your mom joke so far in a hospital setting

Nurse 1 (to resident, about a new patient that was just admitted): "... He also has some weird looking green penile discharge I need you to go look at."

Nurse 2: "so does your mom."

I couldn't tell at all.

So I walked in and my patient is spread eagle on the bed without anything covering her up.

I said, brightly, "Susan! How are you?" (while shutting the blinds to her room and getting the bed ready to get her re-situated).

Without batting an eye, she replied, "Crazy as ever".

Please don't do this to your nurse

(call light goes off, and no one immediately comes)

(patient's husband YELLS across the unit for the nurse, this naturally freaks people out, so four nurses run into the room)

Patient's husband, gesturing: "Have y'all seen all this ear wax she got up in there? Is that NORMAL?"

Google translator please...

Does anyone have a recording of someone saying the Hindi word for "fuck you AND your mama"? Because I'm pretty sure that's similar to what my patient yelled while he punched me in the face half an hour ago...

I got the iv anyway (first try, with no one helping me), I should just have a title on my badge that says "I win, always"...

Apparently I'm fit to teach others...

So they told me that I'm being assigned as someone's main preceptor, which means I get to show them how to be a nurse and how to do our job.

Is it wrong that my first reaction was, "I don't know if you guys know how inappropriate I really am...." ?

I'm actually a little bit terrified. Part of how I work is so not by the book, and I am totally not a policy and procedure bitch.

What if this person has no sense of humor? What if they do some dumb shit and people blame me?

There has to be someone more qualified, right?

I would really like to know this backstory

I got floated to a different unit last night. On the side of a trash can *inside the employees-only rest room* it said, "please do not pee in me", with a sad face underneath.

Overheard...

Coworker 1: "She asked that lady? That lady's as confused as the day is long."

Coworker 2: (pauses for a beat, then) "Oh, man. The day is REALLY long."

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

Alternate title: I wonder what this guy does on Mondays...

So I was getting ready to leave and (in my night shift stupor) almost bumped into a patient walking with a tech. They kept walking (in between knots of doctors doing rounds and groups of nurses giving shift report) and when they got across the unit, I guess the guy saw the board where it says the date and other basic info.

He excitedly yelled, "IT'S FRIDAY!!!" ...

And proceeded to tear off his gown (he was, of course, nude underneath) and continue walking around the unit. Well, for a few seconds anyway.

On my way out after seeing this, I heard someone say, "well, some of us celebrate differently...".

Next best thing to a your mom joke

Me: "... And I'm going to be your nurse tonight until around 7 am."

Patient: "ok. Go easy on me, I just drove a really long way."

Me: "You did? Where did you come from?"

Patient (deadpan): "My mom."

Just a one-line vent

Ok, maybe more like one paragraph. Or two. Or... Fuck it.

Sometimes this place is so achingly sad I feel like I carry it around physically - as if it accumulates in my bones and changes the way that I move. I feel so much heavier after a few days of sadness around here. There is just so much hope. It kills me.

An aside: I don't like saying a patient "expired". I hate how that sounds so much. How about, "they've been trying to die for a month and finally won"? Or "patient died"? We call it a time of death, why do so many people say such quaint, stupid things around death?

I can't help but feel like I'm a cog on a conveyor belt sometimes. I love my job a lot, and sometimes I hate it a lot. Probably not for the reasons you'd think.

We can't do much about long term un-interpretable suffering. I can help you with pain as long as you're able to say something or look uncomfortable, or give me some kind of sign. If you're in a long term altered state of consciousness, sometimes we can't tell. Did that hurt? When you moved your arm there, were you trying to tell me something? I can't tell for sure. I am trying so hard to make this comfortable for you, while your loved ones crowd around and sit in the waiting room and talk, try and figure out what to do - what the chances are, what they mean. Can you hear all this? Do you know what they're saying? If I somehow miss a sign that you're terribly uncomfortable, that this is prolonged and endless torture ...

... Would you forgive me? ... hell, will you forgive me?

Sendoff to the other side, and go Oklahoma City Thunder

The last time I wrote about dying, it was because of long nights spent
with a patient. Again, I've spent the last few nights caring for
someone who is dying. She's been married for 50 years. She and her
husband immigrated (emigrated?) to the US in the fifties and started
off with nothing. People shunned them for being interfaith (she
was/is Catholic and he was/is Muslim, in the fifties). They married,
stayed in the US. Visited their extended families overseas. Enjoyed
each other very much.

Her husband is an adorable accented little old man. He's been
sleeping here every second. They've had friends come visit them
occasionally, but they don't have much family left. He is planning to
go back to his home country once she is gone. Last night he slept in
a recliner next to the bed, holding her hand the entire time. Every
time we turn her in the bed she reaches out for his hand until she
finds it again.

I came in early today for a coworker and sat in there with him for
almost an hour, while he talked about her and their life together.
Then he started asking me questions. I told him I was born in
Oklahoma City. Then he brightened and started talking about the
Oklahoma City thunder and how they take their series against the San
Antonio Spurs home tonight and they have such an exciting team. I
promised him I would come in and watch as much of that game tomorrow
as I have time to watch (I am working tomorrow, too). My friend and I
bought this guy dinner and he was so gratified. He hadn't eaten all
day and it seemed I couldn't think of a better way to spend my money.

So if any of you out there could spare a thought for this guy and his
lovely wife, please do so.

And GO THUNDER!

Sometimes quotes from the people you work with are weirder than what the patients say

"It's not PUSSY drainage, it's prurulent drainage! Jesus, people, where did you go to school?"

Well, this is kind of awkward.

Two different times tonight, people came and got me to ask me to help them make sure their patient's condom catheters are on right and/or help them put a new one on. One of them, a new grad (bless her heart) said that someone told her I was really good with the condom catheters.

I guess if I'm going to become known for something around here...

This never gets old.

One of my favorite parts of my job is the phone. Not talking on the phone (which I actually loathe), but the phones in the hospital rooms.

Patients in an ICU, even the ones who are so-called "with it", don't often remember phone numbers well. It can be the pain meds, it can be just being tired from people waking you up for vital signs and neuro checks all the time (we do both hourly). But no one remembers phone numbers as good as they think when they're in the icu. This wouldn't be so funny if the patients weren't universally convinced they had it right every time.

Last night I heard the same woman have this same conversation with probably a dozen different people she called:

"Hey! It's Mary ... Listen, I'm getting out tomorrow, I need you to bring me my clothes ... What? No, I'm not in jail, I'm at the hospital ... Who? Wait, this isn't Ray? Damn it." (hangs up)

On the last call she said, "Wait, I do want to order a pizza, that sounds like a great idea..." they never did bring a pizza, though, poor lady.

Touché

Patient: what's your name?

Me: (tells her my name)

Patient (brightening): oh! You're the same white girl with the crazy hair that was here last week, too!

That's what I always think when I first wake up...

"man, when I woke up and my husband wasn't here in the room with me, I thought I was in a prostitution ring or something. That's why I was trying to get up out of the bed. I didn't want to get busted."

Oh honey, I can so relate...

While using my stethoscope to listen to the stomach of an 84 year old man...

"I'm not pregnant, am I? Please don't tell me I'm pregnant, it would really mess with my retirement planning and I don't know what I'd tell my wife."

You don't say??!!

So I admitted a lady and we were trying to get her paperwork figured out.

Doctor (to me): do we know why her husband isn't the medical power of attorney?

Me: the woman's adult children said they don't trust him and that he's got a history of having heart attacks when he gets stressed out. He was just in there talking about how it's not a big deal that she's in respiratory failure because she's just his second wife.

Doctor: oh, sounds like a gem. Does she have any other past medical history?

Me: just a history of depression...

Mommy Makeovers

Dear god, if I'm ever in the hospital I want to be like this lady.

Lady: why do I have to take a bath anyway?

Me: you want to look good for your family, right? And that big group of nice looking doctors are going to come see you in the morning.

Lady: (brightens) oh. Can you give me a boob job?

Me:  (trying not to explode in laughter) A boob job? Well, I don't know if we do that kind of thing here, even at night in the icu.

Lady: well, you surely see them here. What do you think? Do they look good?  I mean, I just want your opinion.

Me: yeah, I think they look great. But I don't know if I would get one.

Lady: You should really go to Utah. They call them mommy makeovers there. You can get a discount if you win some kind of competition. Because you need about twelve thousand dollars of work, honey.

Touche'...

Horrible interior design

Patient: "we're not in the hospital! The hell you say - we're in the basement".

Nurse: "does this look like your basement?"

Patient: "well, no, because you fuckin' redecorated it."

Hot.

Cleaning up a patient with another nurse...

Me: You got poop under your fingernails! How did you do that?

Patient: I don't know.

Other nurse: What are you gonna do when all the pretty ladies come to see you, and you go to wave at them and you've got poop underneath your nails and on your hand?

Patient: Well, that's never stopped me before. And I could always use my other hand. See? I'm doing it right now.

What you don't want your patient to ask...

Patient: so, I have a problem.
Me: oh, what is it?
Patient: I can't go to the bathroom here. I, um, use my hand...
Me: use your hand?
Patient: yeah, I disimpact myself at home to go to the bathroom, I just can't do it while I'm in bed. The positioning's all wrong. So....
(you all know what comes next, right?)