I have no idea what I am doing.

So I started a new job a few weeks ago. It's terrifying to be on the unit so far, though that's probably because I've only done it once so far.

I am so much more addicted to the internet than I thought I was. I keep thinking I will email people and stuff, but then I have NO TIME ONLINE. So I am losing touch with people.

I don't know why I am doing this, and I feel like I've just fucked up unbelievably in leaving a steady, stable career for a new one where I don't know fuck-all about jack shit. :(

I passed!

I can't believe I passed, but I did. I now have a nursing license. I had to call a million times before I actually believed it, but I made it.

NCLEX Study time, redux

So I am doing a lot of practice questions. There's just not that much to talk about with them. They are pretty damn boring overall.

One of my good nursing school friends takes her test 2 days before I take mine, and we have been studying together. Stupidly, I planned a trip to the beach for 4 days the week before I take my test. I'll be studying the whole time. It might help me relax. I started to get worried when I got an email from my new job saying "We REQUIRE you to pass the NCLEX before you start". Jeez, thanks, I didn't think I was panicked enough!

I finally got my ATT

That means I got an authorization number to take my NCLEX. I called to schedule but I have to wait for someone to get back to me. Sigh. This is frustrating. I really just want to get it over with.

They said I would hear back within 3 business days. It's day 2. I am going to go completely insane if I don't hear back soon.

Down to the wire

So, I am in my last few weeks of programming computers and am preparing for my licensure exam. It's really hard to stay on track, really. I'm worried about all kinds of things happening if I don't pass, or if I do.

I am afraid because when I went to new grad day at this hospital, everyone was young and just graduating college at a 4 year school and had all these opportunities I didn't have. I still got a job here, but I worry that I am somehow an impostor and will get "outed" quickly.

I worry that I won't be cut out for the ICU and I'll fail out of orientation on some stupid test.

I worry I'll fail the NCLEX and they'll fire me.

I know these things are stupid, and none of them are really that realistic. But I am scared to death, and lately am not feeling very competent.

Everyone was so happy to graduate, except me. I loved school, I did so well there in a controlled environment and I don't know what to do outside that. It's stupid, but there.

I'm alive, I promise!

I have one 6 hour shift left in my preceptorship, and 2 final exams left. Then I graduate. It feels both complely unreal and completely terrifying because I still feel so inept that I can't do this on my own yet.

I've been precepting on an oncology unit at a local hospital. It's been going well but I feel like in some ways it's almost ruined my life. Really it's because of the hours. I have to work the night shift for my preceptorship, but I work the day shift for my regular job. So if I want to keep my job/health insurance/etc, I just don't get to sleep.

So it's really mixed right now in terms of how I feel, but really right now I am really relieved it's almost over. I've had to do things the human body isn't really supposed to do, in terms of staying up numbers of hours. It sucks and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done.

I am not sure if I'd do it over again if I had another chance honestly. Don't believe them when they say your GPA will help you in your placement, because nights was my last choice. I really figured since I have a 4.0 I would have more of my requests for my placement honored. If I knew it would be like this and working nights, I think I would have taken a regular clinical once a week during the day. It's been that awful to do nights/days at the same time.

Neurosurgical Intensive Care Unit

So, as you may have gathered from my silence, I didn't get an offer from new grad day. They called me back and explained that I didn't have a bachelor's degree and that's the tiebreaker they had to use because they had so few openings. Sigh.

So a few days later the department of nurse recruitment called me and asked me if I'd like to interview on the Neurosurgical ICU. Whoa. I had never thought of a critical care area as a new graduate, mainly because I was worried about not getting enough training since so many hospitals are so bottom-line oriented that they regularly give nurses too many patients and stop hiring nurses in a down economy. But this hospital's orientation seems to be top notch for this kind of department. I left the interview thinking I could really do it, and I loved the unit from what I saw.

I scheduled a time to shadow (today, later) and was offered the job!!! I asked for a few days to make up my mind and I am going to decide after shadowing - but I am 95 percent sure it's what I am going to do. I just want to give it the shadow time to make a thousand percent sure it's what I want. It's a 2 year commitment to the unit plus 6 months of orientation, which makes it a fairly significant decision. The schedule isn't completely what I wanted (4 days a week instead of 3 for the first year, but they have done research and found that new nurses achieve competency faster if they work 4 days a week as opposed to the typical nurse schedule of 3, for their first year). So it's for my own good for better training, etc, but it's more day care costs for us.

I loved it though - the high acuity, the types of patients, and I love the nurse manager I met with. We really seemed to get along.

I think I'm pretty sure I am going to do this. It's crazy that such a cool position just fell into my lap like this, it's been a good week!