Job applications, again.

I shadowed this past Wednesday at a pediatric hematology/oncology unit and I loved it and felt so at home on the unit. I stayed for 5 hours (even though the original shadow was only supposed to be 2 hours) because I wanted to see a stem cell transplant.

I love that place so much. I would kill to work there. It's too bad I don't have much of a chance - they are having budgetary issues and don't know how many people they will be able to actually hire. They should know by the end of the month.

Tomorrow I have an all day new-grad nurse hiring event. It's for a position on an adult oncology unit. They do say up front that they do 90 percent of their new grad hiring for the year at this one event, and many times people leave tomorrow's event with a job offer. I am cautiously hopeful about my chances. I am really lucky because I signed up when it was very early and I was able to get a spot. I know people who have called up and asked to register and were told there were 250 people on the waiting list for the event. I feel vaguely guilty because I am sure there are people on that waiting list more qualified than I am, but it was first come, first serve and I didn't cheat or anything, I just called them early.

All day in a boring business suit and pantyhose. Bleh. I am NOT looking forward to that part of things. And the uncomfortable shoes. :( Maybe I'll get an awesome job offer and it'll all be worth it. Stranger things have happened!

The first hospital (peds oncology) told me that if I got an offer before they had their budgetary info and really wanted to know what their position was about hiring me, before I accepted or declined the other offer - to call them and see what they would be able to tell me.

My scariest scenario right now is having to make the choice of one or the other of these places. I already know both units have almost near zero turnover and the nurses are so happy they stay on both units for years and years. So I know I wouldn't be unhappy either place. But the idea of having to make the decision between both these places makes me panicked just thinking about it. So right now, I am actually hoping at least one of them turns me down so I don't have to be in that position.

So, if I leave tomorrow with no offer in hand, it could well be a blessing in disguise. We'll see.

Oh, and the first test of the semester - I got a 90, even though I took the test with bronchitis and was afraid I'd gotten my first failing grade in nursing school ever. So I'm still good for this semester. I just have to not lose sight of school. It's hard to keep my focus with the job stuff going on.

So they did get my application. Clinical started again.

Remember when I said I was afraid to start normal (read: non-psych hospital) rotations again because I felt stagnating in Psych? Yeah, so. That happened, and good hell, I felt STUPID my first day back on a regular floor.

I did a few cool things like give an IV push med (in this particular instance, Lasix). As soon as I gave it I thought I should get her up to help her to the bathroom. Then I thought, nah, I'll give her until she is ready and she'll let me know. I should have known better, and so I had to clean up. A bunch of little things I was just STUPID about. LOL. We got out early and I am tireder than ever. We did get to chart on the computer, though, for the first time, which was cool.

I just wonder if I will ever feel competent in a nursing environment again. I am sad because reading some of my old posts, I was really starting to feel good at this whole gig, and today I walked out feeling 10 kinds of stupid, and 20 kinds of unemployable as a nurse.

Then on my way home from clinical, the hospital from the interview a couple of weeks ago called, and they wanted me to come shadow after all! Woo-hoo. So that helped me feel better today.

Whew. Hell of a week.

So I had my first nursing interview. After I left there, I felt awesome about it - I felt so much rapport with the people I talked to and one of the managers reminded me of my cousin and lived down the street from my high school, etc.

They won't know how many openings they have until at least Feb, maybe even March. So it'll be a longer process than I'd like.

And even though I felt awesome right afterward, the longer I get from the actual interview, the more things I can think of where I said something completely fucking stupid. Why is that always true? WTF?

They did also say that they're telling people that if they get another offer somewhere else and I want to know whether they would hire me or not, to call them. So if I do get an offer, I can see what they say. They are supposed to be calling me to schedule a day when I can go shadow someone on the unit. I really felt so at home there, and I'd love to work there, but I really still want to shadow to just get more information and talk to more people and reinforce my impressions if I can.

I also started clinical again. And class. And lab. I am not used to doing this many things at once again yet. I know I was good at it just a few months ago, but it feels very rusty right now.

So... job searching.

I have an interview next Wednesday. No one else in my program has been on any interviews yet so no one can give me any idea what the fuck they will be looking for. It's really early to be called for an interview, maybe they are just really into my resume and stuff.

It's at probably one of my top 2 choices in places I want to work - on a Hematology Oncology unit at a Children's Hospital. I am surprised they called me because I just drafted my resume and put it out there and I still feel like it sucks. But anyway, they called and I have an interview.

So I have a week to prepare/crash course/freak out. What do I doooooooo???

Happy New Year

So, I scoured the internet for a good photo, phrase, or thing that would be worth a thousand words, in terms of how my 2008 went. well, here you go.

edited to add: I have no idea why the stupid image is showing as transparent and unreadable. Way to be a buzzkill, blogspot. here is a link, in case it's unreadable for you too. http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=2925464





Happy 2009. May your test questions be good and your sleep be restful. or not.

I guess it's not over till it's over.

And sometimes that can be a good thing.

Going into my final, I was hovering around the B range with my grades. Considering the horrible semester I had been having, I was happy with that and even somewhat looking forward to no longet having a 4.0 - I was looking forward to less pressure to put on myself and less expectation. And maybe people thinking of me as less of a fucking perfectionist, since a few times I have made the mistake of sharing my grades with others.

So I was pretty relaxed the day of the final. I had run the calculations that it would be pretty easy for me to end up with a B, even if I got a C on the exam, so I had studied what I was weak on and reinforced what I was strong on. I knew it was pretty near mathematically impossible for me to get an A.

Taking the exam, it felt really surprisingly easy. Like, the questions I had done to practice were much harder and more complex, and I was shocked it was that easy after the crazy tests they'd thrown at us this semester. I thought with more than one question, "They must be trying to give this one to us". In the back of my mind I was happy that I was going to get a B.

Fast forward to later in the day when they posted grades (this was their last day before break, and I guess the faculty REALLY just wanted to leave, because it only took them 6 or so hours to have grades posted - in prior semesters they took 3 days).

I GOT A 96 ON THAT FINAL, AND THUS ENDED UP WITH AN A IN THE CLASS.

After all that. I was really shocked, and for a while I thought it was a type-o. After that, I was actually sort of disappointed because I spent so much time telling myself that now that I was getting a B, I'd be under much less pressure to do perfectly on every assessment and ace every test. But now I am really excited, because I can still go to job interviews and tell them I have a 4.0 GPA. I still can talk about that. It's sort of unreal, in a way I feel like I don't deserve that, because I didn't keep up the effort as much this semester as I had previously, and my grades throughout the semester were really not that good. But I got it anyway! I am still conflicted as to how I should feel about this, obviously. I also feel guilty because I know there are people who didn't pass the semester. I don't know who they are yet, because of the people I have talked to, everyone passed - but some people are not registered for classes anymore next semester. When I find out I am sure I will be surprised about who those people were and feel really bad for them. I feel vaguely like I don't deserve to pass, but I have a harder time with getting As than I do with getting Bs and Cs, so I have issues. LOL.

So, another semester, another 4.0. I am still not used to it.

I am actually done with psych clinical now

As of a few hours ago. I am not really sure what to think about all of it. It was probably one of the most horrible things I have done in quite a while. It has made me completely fucking hate school lately.

It's over but I am wondering how to get back how well I was doing before. I LOVED nursing school before this clinical, even with a scary instructor that could be very abrasive and condescending. I
hate it now, and I feel like I am just trying to get through it without flunking out. I am not close to the borderline at all, but I just feel like I have no more motivation left and don't give a crap anymore.

Hopefully that will fade, but right now I have no clue.