Hot.

Cleaning up a patient with another nurse...

Me: You got poop under your fingernails! How did you do that?

Patient: I don't know.

Other nurse: What are you gonna do when all the pretty ladies come to see you, and you go to wave at them and you've got poop underneath your nails and on your hand?

Patient: Well, that's never stopped me before. And I could always use my other hand. See? I'm doing it right now.

What you don't want your patient to ask...

Patient: so, I have a problem.
Me: oh, what is it?
Patient: I can't go to the bathroom here. I, um, use my hand...
Me: use your hand?
Patient: yeah, I disimpact myself at home to go to the bathroom, I just can't do it while I'm in bed. The positioning's all wrong. So....
(you all know what comes next, right?)

Oh man. Awkward.

My patient was a very old man with difficult, rolly veins. He was awesome in general and we Joked about a lot through the night, but he got pissed at me when both of his IVs burned when I flushed them, and that meant he needed at least one new one. He told me all about how awful his veins were. So when I started his IV on the first try, he asked me if he could marry me.

No known drug allergies

Me: And are you allergic to any medications?
Patient: Just penicillin.
Me: What happens when you take penicillin?
Patient: I see Superman.

Damn. I have to work on this.

Me: "ma'am, you have to keep your gown on, you can't be showing all your goodies to everyone".

Patient: "well, YOU can't be showing all your goodies to everyone either!"

Twofer!

So last night I got punched in the face. Tonight, I got told by one of my patients that I was mean and he wanted to see my manager. He proceeded to tell the charge nurse that I am a NASTY BITCH (his words) and he needs a different nurse. A nasty bitch!

That's the best thing I've been called at work since... Maybe ever.

Fuck, neither do I...

Me: "ma'am, what year is it?"
Patient: "I don't care!"

And this was after this lady "accidentally" punched me in the face.