Mommy Makeovers

Dear god, if I'm ever in the hospital I want to be like this lady.

Lady: why do I have to take a bath anyway?

Me: you want to look good for your family, right? And that big group of nice looking doctors are going to come see you in the morning.

Lady: (brightens) oh. Can you give me a boob job?

Me:  (trying not to explode in laughter) A boob job? Well, I don't know if we do that kind of thing here, even at night in the icu.

Lady: well, you surely see them here. What do you think? Do they look good?  I mean, I just want your opinion.

Me: yeah, I think they look great. But I don't know if I would get one.

Lady: You should really go to Utah. They call them mommy makeovers there. You can get a discount if you win some kind of competition. Because you need about twelve thousand dollars of work, honey.

Touche'...

Horrible interior design

Patient: "we're not in the hospital! The hell you say - we're in the basement".

Nurse: "does this look like your basement?"

Patient: "well, no, because you fuckin' redecorated it."

Hot.

Cleaning up a patient with another nurse...

Me: You got poop under your fingernails! How did you do that?

Patient: I don't know.

Other nurse: What are you gonna do when all the pretty ladies come to see you, and you go to wave at them and you've got poop underneath your nails and on your hand?

Patient: Well, that's never stopped me before. And I could always use my other hand. See? I'm doing it right now.

What you don't want your patient to ask...

Patient: so, I have a problem.
Me: oh, what is it?
Patient: I can't go to the bathroom here. I, um, use my hand...
Me: use your hand?
Patient: yeah, I disimpact myself at home to go to the bathroom, I just can't do it while I'm in bed. The positioning's all wrong. So....
(you all know what comes next, right?)

Oh man. Awkward.

My patient was a very old man with difficult, rolly veins. He was awesome in general and we Joked about a lot through the night, but he got pissed at me when both of his IVs burned when I flushed them, and that meant he needed at least one new one. He told me all about how awful his veins were. So when I started his IV on the first try, he asked me if he could marry me.

No known drug allergies

Me: And are you allergic to any medications?
Patient: Just penicillin.
Me: What happens when you take penicillin?
Patient: I see Superman.

Damn. I have to work on this.

Me: "ma'am, you have to keep your gown on, you can't be showing all your goodies to everyone".

Patient: "well, YOU can't be showing all your goodies to everyone either!"