I just need to write this down, because I don't want to forget her.

I am not really sure how to start this post. I feel a need to write this down, even though it is probably not going to be logical or in correct order or anything.

I took care of an amazing lady this week, she was there both days and I was assigned to care for her both days. The first day I was doing her meds, and she was being prepped to get a bronchoscopy the next day. She had a really interesting medical history - previous breast cancer with mastectomy, hypertension and atrial fibrillations. The second day she was fresh from her bronchoscopy, which they decided to do because of a chest/abdomen/pelvic ct they had done. They had taken some biopsies of the tissue in her lungs and bronchi, and taken some blood tinged fluid from her pleural cavity. That second day, her breath sounds terrified me. It sounded absolutely wrong for someone to sound like that when they breathed. It sounded so painful, but she said she wasn't in pain.

She was so nice, and seemed really happy for the company on the second day because she didn't have a visitor. I asked her the gazillion questions I had to do for my care plan, and I learned a lot about her. She told me a story about how she used to go to church, but she felt like the people there were so judgemental and unchristian, so she quit going there, and has said that she just never felt at home in a church since then. She talked about how she was a pack rat and her family was fed up with her, and they refused to help her organize her stuff unless she would let them throw it away. She collects antiques and sells them at a (slight) profit and does a lot of organizing for the antique club organization. She still lives alone, and was talking about how she wants to see if a couple would move in her house in a shared arrangement so they could help her take care of the property and they could get reduced rent in a good neighborhood.

Her husband had died, and she was the same age he was when he died, but she said she just wasn't going to waste any time worrying because there wouldn't be anything she could do about this medical stuff anyway. She was so patient while I was doing her meds, even though my instructor had to help me through the IV flush process because I hadn't done it before.

This second day, she was getting more febrile as it was getting to be time for me to leave. They gave her medication for it, but it was still going strong 2 hours later. I really hope she is still OK, and I have been so worried about her all day. I worry about next week - if she is still there on Tuesday, that would mean she isn't improving. I hope she is doing better. I just wish I could know one way or the other, and I wanted her to be able to see her granddaughter get married.

(I came back to add more to this post.)

You know, I am also just really scared for her, and afraid of all the biopsies they took in her lungs. I have sort of a feeling of dread about all this, and I can hardly explain it, and it's making me so fucking sad.